I've changed my blog title. "How to be me". I thought, "If I'm going to blog, and this blog is supposed to be something I can constantly update, what is truly the best topic?". Well, the one thing that is constantly updated in my life is me. I'm constantly changing. Despite constantly changing, I keep trying to hold on to some simple core set of descriptors for myself. When something about me or in my life changes, I try to apply what I know about me to get through the change. After 32 years, I should know a few things about me by now, right?
So, by now, I should have an instruction manual for me. I wish I had been given one. I wish I had a book that could tell me how I was going to have childhood issues as an adult, and how to deal with those issues. If there was a book telling me about my fears and how to manage them, I'd be much better at getting to the good stuff in life. A set of instructions on how to let the good times stay much longer than they do would be really nice. These and other such challenges seem to never stop, and after 32 years and all of my experiences, I should be a whiz at handling the new challenges in my life. But, I'm not.
I may not be so super at getting through my fears, or letting joy stay in my life longer, or tackling the childhood issues, but I'm not doing too poorly. That must mean I know a few things-not going to write about those things today, or I'd just have one big blog entry and wouldn't need to write again. But, I still have much to realize about myself. The one thing I KNOW I can start tackling is my fear. My fear of achievement. The same fear that I let put a stranglehold on me every time I see something I really want in my life. As you read this blog, you'll find, over time, that I have a lot of fear. Why focus on fear right now? Because I am realizing that I'm missing a lot of things because I keep letting fear win out. I keep thinking that it's ok to be afraid to reach out for something, but have yet to teach myself, to GET OVER IT! Sure, it's ok to be afraid to do things, everyone does it. What's not ok is dreaming about something like going to Greece, and then realizing that you've had countless opportunities to do it, and have blown every one, because of simple, silly fear. Really? The only thing between me and my goals is fear???? What is fear? MY OWN FEELING IN RESPONSE TO A STIMULANT. In other words, I'm making up my own fear, and I'm stopping me from doing the countless things I've dreamed of my whole life, and the lives I've had before this one! Ridiculous!
Time to write a set of instructions for getting over my fear. Time to teach myself to stop letting fear win. Time to empower myself with the tools and know-how to get over it. This is where the Grecian Chihuahua quest comes in. In my last blog, I noticed myself generating excuses about why taking our chihuahuas to Greece was a logistically difficult idea, and realized it was a fear response. What am I afraid of? Having something good in my life, like memories of a trip to Greece. Why am I afraid of it? If I have this goodness, I might be considered selfish. If I'm off in Greece, and I spend that money on me, and spend that time on me, my conscience tells me I could be spending it on someone else. I could be spending my money on care for my sick mother. I could be spending my time working two jobs to have money to give to a bill collector. I could be saving my money for retirement, or a house, or something like that. What if the exact amount of pennies it takes to go to Greece could be the down payment for a house? I'm afraid I might not be able to achieve all the goals I have, if I spend my resources achieving any of them. That's a little dumb, when I see it on the screen.
It's becoming apparent (as it has many times before when I've been at this same crossroads), that I have to take this conflict and turn it into balance. I'm not balanced if I keep holding out for all of my goals at once, instead of just putting them on a list, and knocking them out as I can. Sure, I'd love to have a little house for Carrie, me and the animals, and possible children. Right now, though, Greece is more attainable. Greece can be done. Here's where I apply a known rule that seems to have never failed me in my life: If you are working towards a goal, you are creating more opportunity for yourself. I'm seeing another rule come into shape: If you are letting fear win, you are eliminating opportunity for yourself.
I joined the Navy to be a fighter pilot. I sure never did achieve that. But, I did become a mechanic, and learned how to use some natural talents I had for fixing things and science and engineering to find a sweet job with Ritz-Carlton. I never thought I'd stay in 5-star hotels, but now I do. Why? Because I get a rockin' discount, thanks to the job I have. I never thought I would travel to amazing places, but Ritz has a need for people who travel, and the career I've built thus far with Ritz is putting me on a good path to more travel to some of the countries I've always wanted to visit, like Thailand or Turkey or Ireland or Egypt. Again, the original goal was to be a fighter pilot. I flew past fear and reached for that goal back in 2000, and, despite failing to achieve it, I will never say the results of my boldness failed me. In another twist, I graduated high school with the goal of being in hotel management...I didn't even know I was on a path to achieve that goal, I had given up on it years ago, and I still achieved it! Hah! Take that, fear!
I'm afraid that if I set a goal of going to Greece, I will fail and be disappointed. If I let that fear win, I will definitely be eliminating that opportunity for myself. So, in an attempt to teach myself to get over my fear, I will take Carrie and the Chihuahuas to Greece. I still want to pay my bills, and get prepared to buy a house, and work, and get started in school, but I can also still go to Greece. It will take me longer to get there, but I'm going. I can balance all of my goals...from now on, if I don't achieve a goal, it's not because I was afraid, but because other goals were more important. Going back to the rules I do know, if I work towards this goal, more opportunity for things I can't yet envision will come to me. By spending money wisely so I can afford the trip, I'm teaching myself more about money, and getting more bills paid more quickly. By being excited about this goal, I'm injecting myself with good energy, and I know that good energy will come about for me, indubitably.
What if I never make it to Greece? It will only be because I learned something else about myself and found a focus that has more value to me. It could be any number of things-maybe Carrie and I will get relocated to some amazing place and we don't need to see the Greek Isles. Maybe we'll decide to spend the money on a trip to Switzerland instead. Maybe we'll find a sweet piece of land in New Mexico on the day we go to purchase our tickets and decide to make a down payment on that instead. Maybe I'll be too busy earning my college degree to be able to take the time. If I don't go to Greece, it won't be because I let my fear win again.
Grecian Chihuahuas will teach me more about how to be me.
